I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
