If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
