I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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