just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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