It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
