im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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