If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
