I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
