I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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