I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
