I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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