Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
