He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize