God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
