Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize