I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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