im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize