I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
