I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
