WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
