I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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