even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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