Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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