i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize