his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
