I am in a vortex of obligation.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
