Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
