cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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