Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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