They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
