My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
