I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
