the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
