advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
