You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
