woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
