had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
