We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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