i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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