Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
