i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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