Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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