You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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