Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
