my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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