everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
