I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
