I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
