my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
