the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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