i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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