Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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