It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
