Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
