I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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