she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
