dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
