A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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