there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
