ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
