she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Randomize
