i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
